Mess Night

Regimental mess nights were held once a month in the officers mess. Mess nights were either bachelor officers’ nights and or sometimes with our ladies. We wore mess kits to remind us that we were officers and gentlemen and not Other Ranks. Mess kits lent grace, pride and suaveness to the occasion. But for only phase 1 of the evening. In Phase 2 after coffee all hell broke loose, particularly during Regimental Mess nights without our ladies. Tight mess kit trousers tore at the seams. Mess kit dress shirts, mostly unbuttoned at the top were drenched in sweat and bow ties came off. It was fun.

We don’t usually remember what happened in Phase 3.

Mess night evenings start with the Regimental bugler calling for officers to assemble at the Mess. Young officers gather early at the bar area preparing for the “things to do” for phase 2. Lets get “him” tonight. No holds barred. Young officers were allowed to get back at whoever was the target for the night and it does not matter whatever seniority, but not in a revengeful way to release young officers’ pent ups. We drank to be courageous. Senior officers drank even more knowing what was ahead in the evening. Round of drinks flowed to celebrate little things, like monthly wedding anniversaries, and hitting the target in Asahan under 3 rounds adjustments. Winning little bets were claimed with round of drinks. It was like Happy hour, only a shorter session.

The bugler would blow to announce the CO’s arrival. He would join us for a quick drink before dinner. Tall and commanding, the CO would scan the officers gathered with a sharp eye. Calibrating for phase 2. The next bugle called was known as the “wee-wee call”. Time for the pee before dinner, for during dinner time officers were not allowed to leave the dinning table until after coffee time. We had to sit crossed legged at times and held on for dear life.

Bag pipers from the infantry battalion led us into the dinning hall. Hungry and smiling silly, after several salvos of pre dinner drinks. We would move to our seats at the dinning table but not to be seated immediately. We knew where to seat as a seating plan was displayed in the mess hall.

Dinner was always Mat Salleh menu, with beef or chicken as the main course. Hors d’oeuvre were served as appetizers to hungry stomachs. We ate and talked in soft tones as gentlemen would, despite the fact that some of us were already stone deaf. I would typically smile silly and politely, not hearing well from the officer sitting on my right. We ate slowly and with dignity in the air accompanied by music played by an infantry music platoon. The Yang diPertua of the evening would invite the band leader to be seated with an added chair next to him to thank him for the lovely music accompanying each course of the dinner. After dessert, port and sherry decanters were brought to the table. Starting with the Yang di Pertua, we would pour the liqueur into our little liqueur glasses. Port and Sherry were sweet and strong and blends well with cigars and strong black coffee. It sets the mood for Phase 2. After pouring into our glasses we would put the decanters on the table and delicately passed the decanters, pushed and not lifting off the table with our palms outwards, to the officer seated on our right. The decanters were passed round until they came back to the Yang diPertua.

When the decanters made the rounds, the Yang diPertua would raise his glass to propose a toast to the Yang Dipertua Agong. The Niab Yang Dipertua, sitting at the other end of the table and usually a young officer, would request all officers present to drink to the toast . We all stood up, and after the Negaraku was played we toasted to his Majesty.

1 ARTY had an unusual way to toast. We stood on our chairs and with our right foot on the dinning table. We toasted like buccaneers on board their pirate ships. Good Jolly and all. Coffee and cigars were served after the toast. Although I do not smoke, I always had a cigar for the tradition and macho of it. Cigars does blend well with Port, which was stronger than Sherry. Cigars make me ready for Phase 2. Officers who had to sit legs crossed for the better half of the dinner session were allowed to leave the table. In 1 ARTY we had a long drain for men’s urinal. We had a red line drawn horizontally on the wall, 4 feet above the urinal. Officers who could pee above the red line were to join the regimental fire fighting team. Officers could do that after building up the pressure during dinner.

In later years toasts were made before dinner and we had water for the toast. We also sang the Artillery song ending with a loud shout ARTILLERY to boot.

Thus ended Phase 1. Anything goes with phase 2. Wait I go pee.

Allen Lai