Mess Night Phase 2

Pee I did, but not many times did I manage to pee above the red Bomba line. Mess Night Phase 2 was much awaited for during dinner time. We adjourned to the mess hall for phase 2. We were allowed to dress down if required, taking off our jackets and bowties. We let our hair down for the evening. Yes I could do that then but not now. My Barber nowadays could not suggest “Apa style mau”?

The bar area was crowded again. Unfinished pre dinner drinks were brought out from the refrigerator. We were moving into the mood. We ganged up as kids would. The best or worst of us would be seen by the CO’s roving scans. BCs were too busy playing and defending themselves. The Adjutant and Senior Subaltern were always the popular targets. Officers from the same battery usually played in the same team.

We played mess games with formats but no rules. What rules? Whose rules? We had milder games like Where are you Mariam? Two officers blind folded tied at the wrist, laid down on the floor and was to hit each other with a rolled up newspapers. Ouch!

Rugby was a favourite mess game. Inter battery and no rules to the art of tacklings. Most times we would catch the other ball. The game was purpose driven and winning was not the requirement.

Chin Kai Fong was commissioned to 1 ARTY. He was a bull and was as strong and as stubborn as one. Larger in size than most officers, he was also a great athlete and could beat anybody at the tracks. One mess night we tackled Chin and raised him up to get some sense into him by banging his head into the ceiling above. Chin took it well as the ceiling broke instead.

Russian roulette was dangerous. It was played with life Thunder flashes. We formed a circle, lighted a thunder flash and threw it to an officer. He would catch it and threw it at another. We had less than 15 seconds before the last brave soul would throw it away from anybody. We were high but not clumsily drunk. At one such game in Taiping, an officer wasn’t thinking right. He had caught the Thunder flash and held it lovingly to his chest. Luckily another officer tackled him and the Thunder flash was rendered harmless just in time.

Playing catching was a silly kids game, but not in B Mess Tawau. We played catching on top of the mess roof. We also played football outside the mess, but the only difference was that the ball was a large stone ball, carved rounded and used as a mess decoration.

B Mess Tawau was a mixed units officers mess. We had an Engineer Squadron with us and the Squadron had a brash and cocky Mat Salleh officer. We would always display two guns in front of the mess during mess night as part of the décor. The Engineer officer was not himself that night and with a beer in hand had pulled a chair in front of one of the guns. He declared that he would pee down the barrel of the Gun. Everybody was awed. I rushed to him and asked him to wait.  I rushed into the mess kitchen and brought out a chopper knife and told him if he peed on our gun, that would be the last time he had a penis. He backed down and couldn’t trade off his family jewel. Good for him.

We had a wonderful game in 2 ARTY. Ingenious and crafty. It was called Red Light stop. Officers would form a line as in a train, holding on to the front officers shoulder. The train would move round the mess hall. Each officer had a lit cigarette stuck up his arse. Lights out and the train moved. The front officer would shout Red Stop and everybody stopped just in time without crashing into the front officer ahead of him, lit cigarette and all. In one game an officer farted and his cigarette lit up bright red. The officer behind him made an emergency stop without shouting Red Stop. The remaining officers in the rear crashed into each other like a derailed train. Fortunately nobody was seriously hurt where it would have hurt most.

Team drinking challenges were the most popular games. Everybody liked the 'faster than Ferraris' bottom ups. Loosers were usually drenched with unfinished beers over their heads.

I get teary and misted up each time I reflect and recollect mess nights. It was bonding and had nurtured us into fine officers and gentlemen. We became better friends after mess night’s phase 2. Camaraderie builds up, and last even till today. Once a Gunner always a Gunner.

Allen Lai